Stream of Consciousness

truth comes in blows.
i love that. i haven't heard it for while. i feel like i'm always delivering the blows. where did i already write that?

shopping.
shopping is: an outlet. an escape. a... what's the word... something to take your mind off the real problems, the real issues pounding on your mind. i'm really good at procrastinating the most important things. shopping probably isn't a healthy diversion - too expensive. cooking would be okay, or cleaning. maybe exercising, or reading. some people work to escape. too much of anything isn't good i guess.

on the radio yesterday they posed a question for listeners / callers to answer: if God told you everything horrible and good and just everything you would go through in this life, and then gave you the decision to come to earth or not, would you still come? a lot of people called in. it was interesting because this is a utah only radio show and the host isn't a utahn and isn't a mormon. he's actually a rabbi from somewhere in the eastern US. he seems to enjoy the utah culture and the utah perspective his callers have. anyway, several people called in to talk about the horrible things that had happened to them. whether it be by there own choices or not. one young guy was overcoming a porn addiction, someone had a parent just die and was contemplating having an affair, someone else was lamenting a 25 year marriage in which he didn't feel any appreciation or that he was needed. the host todl him that many men feel this way, that is why our society has such a problem with adultery, pornography, etc. men who aren't feeling appreciated or justified or fulfilled turn elsewhere to be validated and to not feel like a failure. interesting. people can be so complicated.

i think a girl might have gotten fired today at work. it's strange because she hasn't been working there long. but i noticed her coming in quite late and then leaving early just recently and i just thought, that's interesting. and then today she was in her boss's office kindof crying and then she left. she didn't take any of her pictures or clock or anything.

details.
don't sweat the small stuff.
i do, all day, sweat the small stuff.
have i told you that everytime my phone rings i get this panic feeling and a lump in my chest? i scan my brain and think through who it could be and what they might be looking for. and most of all, can i give them the answer they want? is this healthy? i don't think so.