Our Home

In November of 2006 Les and I bought a home in Rose Park (built in 1948) that needed "a little love". As Les walked through it for the first time, even in the state that it was in (as shown in the photos below), he knew this was where we needed to move. All of our family and friends thought we were crazy when they saw it for the first time - pre-remodel. But, for some reason we were never phased by the huge task we had before us. Les had no previous experience nor interest in home remodeling. So, armed with a book from the library, Lowe's Home Improvement, he started the job - very determined to figure things out for himself.






After 3 months of renovations, many long days, late nights, and many thousands of dollars later we moved into our new house!! Here are a few before and afters.

Kitchen Before

After
Living Room Before

After

Before
After
Dining Room Before

After

Before
After
Bathroom Before

After


There is of course more work to be done. We haven't really altered the outside of the house much yet or the yard. That will have to come in time. But for now, we love our new house.

I was watching Oprah a few days ago, as I do fairly often now that I am a stay at home mom, and there was a woman on that I've seen on the show several times before. Although I can't now remember her name, she is the spit fire woman who used to weigh 500+ pounds and her life has been chronicled on the show for the last few 20 years, through the weight struggle, through a bypass surgery, and now through the new struggle of her new body, image, and self-confidence. She lost something like 400 pounds. In looking at her you can tell she still has a lot of loose skin, but regardless she looks amazing. She has a glow and a joy. It was also very obvious to me that she has gained immense wisdom of life and people. Whenever someone goes through a struggle, or a hard time, they come out (if they come out) with a new perspective and new found wisdom for life. She said something on the show that was one of those things that when you hear you know you should probably write down and remember for the rest of your life. She said, and I'm paraphrasing, that there was one thing piece of advice offered by people who had gone through her similar journey. The difference between being a regular person and an obese person is that when a regular person eats a huge meal or binges on ice cream or whatever the next day they just move forward, forget it happened in a way, and they step back into their regular life and regular eating habits. The mind of an obese person says however, when they have a buffet dinner and eat way too much food, the next day they fret over that and it "eats" away at them (so to speak) and they feel guilty and that guilt causes them to binge again and again. More a mindset of - well, I've already failed so I might as well give up and just let myself go. So, the advice being to get back up - so, you've failed. Okay, what next. Make amends and keep moving.

I was reminded of this women last night while listening to a talk by Elder Holland. Les and I went on a road trip for the weekend to visit his Brother's family in Arizona and also his Sister's family in Vegas. Les has downloaded on his ipod lots of church talks so in trying to stay awake at 1:00am last night we listened to several of them. Although it might seem contrary, Elder Holland, to me, is engaging enough to keep me awake while driving in the middle of the night (even when Les promises he won't fall asleep and he does anyway :).

He was telling a story of Winston Churchill - the speech he gave to parliament as they were waging war against Hitler Germany ...
"We have before us an ordeal of the most grievous kind. We have before us many, many long months of struggle and of suffering. You ask, What is our policy? I will say; "It is to wage war, by sea, land and air, with all our might and with all the strength that God can give us: to wage war against a monstrous tyranny, never surpassed in the dark lamentable catalogue of human crime. That is our policy." You ask, What is our aim? I can answer with one word: Victory - victory at all costs, victory in spite of all terror, victory however long and hard the road may be; for without victory there is no survival."

"I have nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears and sweat."

The thought came into my head how this women's advice applied to life in so many different ways - but mainly how it applies to sin. I have a great friend who is plagued over the bad choices of her little sister. She made a few choices - dumb choices - but small. She was too ashamed and embarrassed and guilt ridden to turn them around. So she kept making bad choices, again, and again, and they became bigger. Soon she was carrying around a lot of extra weight - not from donuts. She thought she was in too deep - she thought she couldn't fix such a big mess. The lesson is simply that even if you are carrying around 550 pounds of extra weight, it's not ever too late.

Blaw-ging

Blogging has become quite popular recently. It is amazing how trends spread so quickly. I mentioned to my mom a few years ago - have you seen Les's blog. She said - "what?"
"Blog, I said blog."
She answered, "Bl -what?"
One day nobody has heard of blogging and almost the next everybody has a blog. What, you don't have a blog? Are you crazy? What must you be thinking? - not having a blog? Have you read my blog?
Blog. blo. blog. What is that word anyway? Blog. Where did it come from? Do you think it is already in the dictionary? Yes. Blog. Blaw. blaw. blag. brag. Oooh wait, I get it. I understand the attraction with the blog. It is simple human nature. You know, everyone likes to hear themselves talk - especially to talk about themselves. It's not an insult to say it - it is probably a healthy obsession in some ways. The blog lets us jabber on and on about ourselves or whatever else we want. And then you just put it out there for the world to see if they so choose. This aspect of the blog makes my mom nervous. She's very weary of having, what she pictures to be, the whole world logging on and reading all of her secrets.

The truth about baby

My life sure has changed since I had Gus - understatement of the century, right? Well here's another one - I have learned a lot since having a baby.

There is one thing that I keep noticing when I am in public with the baby that I've been wanting to write about for a while.
When Gus was pretty new I had to learn that he is not me. He is his own entity, his own person. I am not him; he is not me. I think this is something that some moms never really learn. It took me a while to realize that other people may have relationships with Gus, even as a baby, that don't include me. For instance, as Gus and I are out walking or at the grocery store or what not, people will smile at Gus or wave at Gus or make a comment - it is NOT a smile, wave, comment to me - only Gus. And it's like they don't really even notice me - which is not a big deal - I'm not dying to be noticed - it just seems somewhat strange. I know I have done the same thing to other people's kids. The problem arises when someone asks Gus a question - directly to him - and then expect him to answer. "How old are you?" "What is your name?" And then they look at him - not me - and wait for an answer. So, of course after a few seconds I have to say with a smirk and a lilt- he's 10 months old. It's somewhat uncomfortable for me. I don't want to be butting into Gus's conversations when I'm not invited, but people just don't really see the situation for what it is. Sure, I know that they would expect me to answer the question - if I didn't they would think I was very strange. I really would like to try that some time however. Next time someone poses a question to Gus and not me I will just sit there and not say a word. And then after a little while maybe I'll say - he doesn't know how to talk yet. What's great now that Gus is getting a little older, when people wave at him he is able and alert enough to wave back. People love that. I think it's pretty cute too.

Today I was at the grocery store and the bagger, who happened to have downsyndrome, was smiling at Gus and tickling his tummy. And then as we were leaving he said several times with his face really close to Gus's- "I love you." This reminded me of another funny baby quirk that people have. When Gus is with me I sometimes get special treatment. When I was pregnant I got similar special treatment - but I think then it was because people were more afraid of me than because they thought it was cute. Kind of like - here comes a huge pregnant woman, hurry get out of her way, open the door for her but don't get too close. But now it is a more positive kind of special treatment. I actually had a man say to me "you go first because you have that cute baby." And he let me go ahead of him in line for no reason other than Gus. I really think I could use this to my benefit. People definitely trust you more when you are carrying a baby. It's like you are automatically a good person. I had Gus with me when I had to pick up a check for work. The check had been slid about 3 feet under the office door of my co-worker who wasn't there to unlock the door. (This is a long story for another time but I'll give the brief version). So, without hesitation the man in the office across the hall, no knowing me, started into a full McGyver (not to be confused with a full Monty) to recover this check for me. I could have been a thief for all he knew - I could have stolen the baby just so they'd give me the check.

I guess I'll give it a try

Apparently there is a trend going around - to blog 100 things. I'm not exactly sure what 100 things they are - things you don't know about me? my favorite things? interesting and semi-embarrassing things about my past? Confessions? But, whatever it is, I can't not give it a try. I just seems so fun. So, here is mine.

100. If I eat something sugary in the morning, I want to eat sugar all day long.
99. My current job scares me a lot, but gives me satisfaction in facing what is hard.
98. Even though I feel like I'm supposed to, I don't really like peanut butter
97. and I don't really like shrimp.
96. When I am dressed nice I feel really cool.
95. I only shave my legs about once every two weeks and that seems to be enough
94. Whenever I hear that 'In the middle of the night, I go walking in my sleep' song I do the dance that accompanies it from 9th grade dance company.
93. Deep down in me there is a greener, more health conscience, book loving, exercise machine waiting to come out.
92. Because I am genetically engineered to be cheap and thrifty I sometimes have an urge to cheat or lie to save 30 cents here or there - I really try to supress the urge.
91. I always wished I knew all of the words to Don't Go Chasing Waterfalls -specifically that fast rapping part.
90. I do, or did at one time, know all of the words to Young MC's Busta Move
89. I memorize song lyrics extremely quickly - usually after only hearing the song once.
88. I really like to cook
87. I love watching Iron Chef America, Les and I both enjoy watching it together
86. I would love to be able to cook like a gourmet and very nutrisiously -the way they do at that pay-what-you-want-cafe (One World Cafe?).
85. I really think Gus is going to have a great personality
84. In so many ways I hope Gus turns out like his dad.
83. I love playing board games
82. I love winning board games
81. When I was young I copied everything my older siblings did, and now that I'm older, on a subconscious level, I still do
80. Like Dede, I still feel like I'm 18
79. I really miss hanging out with the boys the way we used to
78. One of the greatest sounds in the world is Gus laughing
77. I think I'm pretty good at making people laugh, especially my mom and Les
76. My feet stink a lot of the time
75. I've been wearing red polish on my toes for the last 11 years (this can be attributed to #81)
74. When I was in 6th grade a girl from another school labled me as 'big boobs, tiny waist, big bum'
73. I think I'm a pretty okay singer but I have vowed to never try out for American Idol, as I'm sure to make a fool of myself
72. I took tennis lessons every Summer for 5 years and I still can't play
71. I took piano lessons for 7 years, never practiced, can't play
70. I used to be a pretty good dancer, but considering the freestyle way I dance now Les doesn't believe I was ever good.
69. I don't wear makeup 5 out of the 7 day of the week.
68. I've been to most all of the classic vacation destinations: Hawaii, Mexico, Europe, San Francisco, Las Vegas, Southern California, New York City.
67. Ever since I was 14 I thought Seatle could be a good place to live, and I still think so
66. If I ever have a lot of money I would do my grocery shopping at Wild Oats and my clothes shopping at Anthropology.
65. I think I'm pretty good at convincing people....maybe I should go to law school
64. I don't really care what kind of car I drive, but I do like a car that can go fast.
63. Luckily, I never went through that awkward phase that middle schoolers usually do.
62. Being a mom is hard and I'm nervous to eventually have 2 babies to take care of
61. I know from many past experiences that my mom would do anything for me
60. I don't know how my mom raised the 4 kids in my family without going totally crazy considering all of the crap that we put her through
59. I am the baby in my family and because of that I felt an obligation to talk in a baby voice until I was almost a teenager. Les says that sometimes I still talk in a baby voice when I want a back tickle or when I want to buy a piece of furniture.
58. I feel bad that I never did chores
57. I never realized until I got older that I am so similar to my dad
56. I know that in not so long from now I will become my mom and I'm okay with that
55. I did, do, and always will love candy
54. One year on Halloween I ate my whole bag of candy the night of. My mom said I would get a stomach ache, etc. but I didn't.
53. I double hate having big boobs.
52. When I'm not chubby I like my face shape.
51. I really love to sleep. That is one thing that is hard about being a mom - you can't sleep whenever you want to.
50. I can fall asleep just about anywhere at any time.
49. I didn't graduate with my bachelors degree. Some days I regret it and some days I don't. But, I really don't want to be one of those moms that goes back at 45 or 50.
48. I really really like decorating although I know there are a lot of people much better at it than I am
47. I am very good at being silly.
46. I ask my husband the same questions all the time: do you think I'm smart? do you think I'm nice? did I say anything stupid?
45. I try too hard to please people.
44. I often fall into the trap of trying to be 'the perfect everything' instead of just being myelf.
43. I think my siblings and my cousins are all very attractive.
42. I love going to Lagoon although I didn't dare ride a roller coaster until I was older.
41. Although my Dad worked with me often, I didn't learn to ride a bike until quite old as well
40. The first time I rode a bike on my own I almost rode off a cliff.
39. Ever since I've had a baby I feel weird:
38. I have a hard time concentrating on the road.
37. I can't remember simple words or names for things - thank goodness for Les being able to read my mind.
36. I am continutally surprised by the reality of a Mother's intuition.
35. I have an amazing marriage.
34. My dream car is a Subaru Forrester.
33. I don't pass on forwards.
32. I will never again ride on a Greyhound Bus.
31. I had a rough relationship with my mother-in-law at first but now I really like her
30. I have lots of ideas for books I want to write. I want to write a book about mother-in-law, daughter-in-law relationships
29. I want to write a book called 'According to my Grandma Toni' with all of the old dutch sayings that she uses.
28. When my grandma dies I'll cry for at least a week straight
27. I went to EFY for 4 years and I loved it - especially the dancing
26. I kissed about 20 boys before I met Les, which he thinks is a lot, but that is not very many compared to my cousin Heather.
25. When Les and I first kissed there were serious fireworks going off.
24. My mom, although she won't admit it, has an obsessive shopping problem.
23. I also have a shopping problem that I am working on.
22. Before my CD collection was stolen I owned 5 Celine Dion CDs - I can't help but think of that thief going through my CDs totally disappointed in the selection
21. I think sometimes about how our grandparents must perceive the trends of today (peircings, tatooes, immodesty, vulgarity) and I like to think that my Grandma is proud at the way I turned out.
20. I've always had a strong sense of self, and strong self-confidence.
19. I've lost 50 pounds since I was pregnant.
18. Although I tried several others here and there, I have been using the same Pantene Pro-V shampoo since I was in 7th grade.
17. I have a really amazing extended family - I often want to brag about them, but restrain myself.
16. Lately I have seen so many women with facial hair. It is kindof freaky.
15. Once in a while when I'm driving around listening to country music radio I'll encounter an especially cheesy yet touching song and I'll have to quickly wipe away a tear.
14. I usually listen to talk radio in the car.
13. I am my kid's mom. (I love you, Dr. Laura)
12. I've noticed that Gus loves when I sign along out loud to the radio. He also likes to sing, he joins in during church hymns.
11. One time in high school I called a radio station who was trying to drive up rivalry between 2 schools the night before a big football game. I actually got through but I froze up and had nothing intelligent to say so I just said something like, "we're going to win... because... I don't know." It was stupid.
10. There used to be a show on MTV called 'Motor Mouth' where they would secretly pose a camera inside of a car and catch the driver singing loudly and passionately the songs on the radio, also with a little car dancing if you're lucky. I'll just say I would be a perfect candidate for that show.
9. I have a staring problem. It has come to the point that when I'm caught staring I don't even look away - I just smile at them as if to say, "Yeah, I was staring at you. It's okay though".
8. I'm not a big reader, which is maybe Les's thing he'd like to change about me; but recently, I've been infected with the bug just a little bit. I even joined a book club.
7. Les and I often throw around quotes from Jerry Seinfeld's stand up routines, Raising Arizona, The Incredibles, Conan, and The Simpson's, etc. And we've recently added Jim Gaffigan quotes to the repretiore. He's funny, man.
6. Les and I like to sing duets together while he plays on the guitar. Although it's not really in my character, sometimes I get into it and sing with my eyes closed because Les loves that.
5. My sister loves watching court TV. She has it on all day sometimes. I prefer decorating shows.
4. My sister's husband is going to Iraq in April and I try not to think about it because it makes me want to cry.
3. I think my biggest motivator to do what is right are my family's loving examples.
2. Writing these 100 things has taken me several weeks.
1. I like stuff.

Whatever happened to...

For the last few months I've been spending a significantly large majority of my time at home with Gus learning how to be a mom. My life has dramatically changed in many ways - of which I can't even begin to try to put into words. But, one aspect that has been brought to my attention recently is the pace - my life is slower, it is more gentle, I live more delicately. Now that Gus is almost 4 months old I have started a job at home processing loans again. With this new job I have suddenly been thrown back into the fast-paced, teeth-clenching, and I must say, sometimes, unvirtuous business world. The contrast is a bit frightening. I find it difficult at times to keep that motherly meekness while worrying about emails, faxes, underwriters, numbers. I've found myself asking the question, "Whatever happened to?"

Whatever happened to patience?
I could go on and on about patience-everybody needs more patience. Gus has taught me a few somethings about patience. He isn't going to fall asleep until he's ready, for one - Even if it takes all night. The crying. And, eating - eating is something that takes practice in the beginning (for me and for Gus). My fews months of being a parent have taught me more about patience than I've learned in my whole life thus far I dare say.

Now look at the way we drive. (I'm not excluded). I'm not even going into the driving issues that we are faced with - you know exactly what I'm talking about. I'll just say this: everyone is in a hurry - speeding, swerving lanes, cutting off. There is no enjoying the journey going on - there is an attitude of "get-me-where-I-need-to-be-now- hurry, out of my way. I don't have time for this." Again, patience.

What about the way we spend money. My parent's generation practiced the art of saving money - Which, I am convinced, is now a dying or dead art. Today in 2006, we practice spending - and it really is an art. We spend everything we have, money we don't have yet, and money we'll never have. I can't decide if it is more an obsession of spending or an obsession with stuff- materialism. We need whatever it is we want and we want it right now. I'm not going to wait 2 months, 3 months, a year! to save up - I will buy it now and pay double for it in interest in the future. (Which reminds me of this quote I had sitting on my dresser all through middle school and high school -Don't trade what you want most for what you want at the moment. )


This whirlwind we live in could use more motherliness. We could all benefit from more softness, gentleness, kindness, charity, lovliness, virtue, and of course more patience. I know I could. I hope I can bring these things into my home, if not the world, for Gus.

The first post about GT. There will be more

I am not very faithful in writing these posts. Although, when I do, I enjoy it. My husband? - he is faithful. He writes something everyday. He says he needs to do it, for his own well-being. He needs to evoke that creative aspect of his brain. It is a good thing to do.

Last Sunday the family was all sitting around the dinner table, eating dinner, as we do most Sundays, when Grandma Toni said, "I had a very strange experience this week." She has been wanting to buy a tiller for her garden. Why any widow in her mid-80's needs a tiller, I don't understand, but she's been looking in the want ads for months. This particular week she had spotted an ad with several lawn mowers and tillers that were for sale. Excited, she called to find out the price and the size, and other specifics. A gentleman answered the phone (wait let's not call him a gentleman, let's just call him a male. ie: Dr. Laura labels "men" and "males" seperately. A "man" is one who takes care of his family, is integrous, and stands up for his morals. Whereas a "male" is one of that gender who lacks the backbone or the where-with-all to do the right thing) So, a person of the male sex answered the phone. In her small yet steadfast Dutch accent she asked him how much he wanted for the tillers. His only answer? "I don't talk about 'men' things with women. Have your man call me back." Surely, with extra emphasis on "man", likely deepening his voice. She politely answered, "I don't have a man." Yet, immediately regretted saying it. She wouldn't want anyone to know she is "without a man" and thus possibly more suseptable to burglary, theft, break-ins in general. So, the conversation ended there. After telling the account she stressed to us, "and I will NOT have a man call back for me. I will not have anything to do with a man like that." She said it in a light-hearted way. She wasn't upset or concerned about someone who was obviously very strange. In fact, she added at the end, as she does with many of her stories - a Dutch saying - something like- "there are still a few out there, but not many." They never translate well, she says.

My Grandma has been a widow since my mom was only a few months old. Her husband was killed in an auto accident in Holland. And, for all these years, she's done just fine on her own. Raising my mom, supporting the family financially and otherwise, taking care of her home. She still climbs on her roof to get the swamp cooler working when the hot months roll around. There are so many things I could write about her. So, we'll just call this "The first post about my grandma. There will be more. "

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean

Every Friday I log onto MSNBC for "The Week in Pictures." I look forward to this weekly exploration into the various colors of the world. Lately most of the pictures have been of war, terrorims, and of tragedy. They like to put in about 3 photos of the good things as well. Today there is a beautiful picture of a porcupine fish in the red sea, 3 little girls in long dresses jumping on a trampoline, and a photo of fans along side a road in Germany as the tour-de-france speeds past - portrayed only by a smeared blur of bright colors with pops of white helmets and a few yellow balloons in perfect focus.

After trying to describe those beautiful pictures I just re-realized how true it is - a picture is worth a thousand words. Maybe more - depending on the picture I guess.

I really look forward to these 13 or so pictures each week. They give me a little bit of perspective on the world. And I just realized that it's one of those things that makes me feel small in this world - which in some strange way makes me feel renewed. Why is that anyway? I hear that every so often. Like in the song by that one lady - I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean. Is it just something people say without really thinking about? Cause I kindof want to think about it.

Here goes. In some aspects of life it seems like we're encouraged to feel the opposite of small. For instance, being told that you can conquer the world, or that you have the world in the palm of your hand. But, the reverse is also taught. Having a sense of being small in this world seems to give reverence or homage to God. We are just a small speck in His great world of creation. Just look into the stars at night. I guess my conclusion is this - (at least for now) we are small in the whole scheme but regardless of that God knows each one of us individually, and He hears our prayers individually, and He tailors experiences just for us as individuals - all of which make me feel pretty big.

Being Silly

Those who know me know I am silly. Really silly. I'm not sure if it is a nurture or a nature thing. Probably both. My mother is very silly and her mother too is very silly. My dad, however, is not silly. I grew up in a very traditional setting. My dad went to work everyday and my mom stayed home and raised 4 kids. I was so lucky. My sister, who has 2 kids, isn't as silly as me. But everytime my mom and grandma and I have the chance, we fill those kids full of silliness. Nothing brings out the silliness in us like little kids do. We use licorice to make uni-brows, mustaches, and large pimples on our cheeks. We try to fit our big feet into their little shoes and when they don't fit we put them on our ears. Have you ever seen an 83 year old act like a monkey - swinging her arms around and making that oohohh aah sound? Or jump on the trampoline with her great-grandkids, or dive on the grass to catch a a floating bubble? That's my grandma - but, I think she will have to be a whole other post altogether.

Another Confession

i have another confession.

i have a window by my desk that is covered with blinds. i purposely have situated the blinds so that from my seat i can see out but those walking by can't see in - (unless they are at a specific angle). by doing this i am stealthfully able to spy on situations that happen outside my office. and i love spying. you'd be surprised, with the blinds there, it's like i'm not here.

The Heat Is On

everywhere i went yesterday people were talking about the heat. it really seemed to be the only thing people were talking about. at Target... "it is like a fire outside"... at a restuarant where i bought a sandwich... "it has got to be 110 out there"...

at work my little office is right by the door, with my desk directly facing the door/window at the back entrance. so, all day i am distracted by people walking in and out. And everytime the door opens i have this uncontrollable urge to look up and see who it is. there's really no use trying to subdue the urge - that would be like not looking at an accident on the freeway or not eaves dropping on a fighting couple in a restuarant. i just have to do it. there's hardly a choice for me. some people feel an obligation to say hello everytime they pass - and i too feel a sort of obligation to at least look up, or nod, smile, or something. it has become somewhat awkard. i have noticed that a few people will deliberately plan to be talking on a cell phone as they walk in so as to the avoid the hello moment. i admit, i've done the same. once in a while when someone has been coming and going all day, and we've already done the complimentary nod several times, just as they're about to come in, i'll pick up my phone and start dialing - or worse, i've even just picked up the phone and pretended to be on hold. ohh, that hurts to admit. but really i've only done it like twice.

so anyway, yesterday, seriously, every person would walk in and mutter "it is so hot out there", "i need a drink", "i bet you're glad you're inside with the cooler instead of out there" was a popluar one. at this i would just look at my pasty white arms and legs - which haven't seen the sun since i was old enough to hold down a full-time job, and look longingly outside.

is it strange that i wear a jacket just about all summer long? it seems like there should be a rule against wool pants and a jacket during the summer months. what you don't know is while, yes it is hot outside, i don't go outside. i sit at a desk all day with the AC cranked to the max. it can actually be pretty cold. when i do go outside - to get some lunch or what-not - i like to sit in my steaming hot car for a few minutes without the cooler on and get warmed up. It's like my own personal sauna. But, of course after a few short minutes, I too start to heat up, get a little sweat on the forehead and I too think, "it is like a fire out here."

I never looked out that window

i never looked out that window
like i did when i was waiting for my mother
to come home from the grocery store that morning

i had received a phone call from the primary president
she wanted me to speak in church
i was terrified

my mother comforted me
and consoled me - never once falling for my irrational excuses
of why i could not get up in front of the group of 30 kids
and perform

she helped me prepare.
i tend to be a procrastinator
but my mom convinced me the more i practiced the easier it would be

i practiced that talk probably 25 times
when my grandparents came over
i would run through it with them, friends
and of course my mom heard that talk the most

on sunday morning i got up earlier than usual
read through the talk again
and got dressed
i folded the precious white piece of paper - my lifeline
and put it neatly and carefully on the kid-size picnic table
i used as a desk

when it came time to leave for church
i picked up the folded paper with my talked scribed inside
and went to church.

soon i was up on the stand
waiting for my turn
when prompted i stepped up to the podium
unfolded the peice of paper and started to read

except
this was not the talk i had practiced so many time the week before
this was something totally different

i read about 8 words in and realized the mix-up
where was my talk? what was this imposter posing as my own white folded paper
i stood paralized in front of the audience
it was the first and only time i would ever witness every child silent

standing there
i found my mom's face in the crowd and i looked at her
trying to explain what had happened
using only the pleading of my eyes
help me. my eyes were repeating

looking back time seems to have stood still
who knows how long i stood in silence and shock
but i did finally just walk away, down the steps and back to the seat
next to my mother

she motioned to me
as if asking what was going on
i just opened up the paper, she read
she understood

i never did find out what happened to my talk
is it possible that my mother set me up?

Stream of Consciousness

truth comes in blows.
i love that. i haven't heard it for while. i feel like i'm always delivering the blows. where did i already write that?

shopping.
shopping is: an outlet. an escape. a... what's the word... something to take your mind off the real problems, the real issues pounding on your mind. i'm really good at procrastinating the most important things. shopping probably isn't a healthy diversion - too expensive. cooking would be okay, or cleaning. maybe exercising, or reading. some people work to escape. too much of anything isn't good i guess.

on the radio yesterday they posed a question for listeners / callers to answer: if God told you everything horrible and good and just everything you would go through in this life, and then gave you the decision to come to earth or not, would you still come? a lot of people called in. it was interesting because this is a utah only radio show and the host isn't a utahn and isn't a mormon. he's actually a rabbi from somewhere in the eastern US. he seems to enjoy the utah culture and the utah perspective his callers have. anyway, several people called in to talk about the horrible things that had happened to them. whether it be by there own choices or not. one young guy was overcoming a porn addiction, someone had a parent just die and was contemplating having an affair, someone else was lamenting a 25 year marriage in which he didn't feel any appreciation or that he was needed. the host todl him that many men feel this way, that is why our society has such a problem with adultery, pornography, etc. men who aren't feeling appreciated or justified or fulfilled turn elsewhere to be validated and to not feel like a failure. interesting. people can be so complicated.

i think a girl might have gotten fired today at work. it's strange because she hasn't been working there long. but i noticed her coming in quite late and then leaving early just recently and i just thought, that's interesting. and then today she was in her boss's office kindof crying and then she left. she didn't take any of her pictures or clock or anything.

details.
don't sweat the small stuff.
i do, all day, sweat the small stuff.
have i told you that everytime my phone rings i get this panic feeling and a lump in my chest? i scan my brain and think through who it could be and what they might be looking for. and most of all, can i give them the answer they want? is this healthy? i don't think so.